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Aunt Flappi from Topix Forum 37814

Posted 23 Mar 2010 at 22:21 PM by spanner
Updated 8 Apr 2010 at 21:36 PM by spanner (Aunt Flappi additional advice)

Advice columns are not to be taken lightly so Aunt Flappi has agreed to give you a logical, workable advice for those mounting problems you have in your life, from dismounting your horse to other problems you may have. No problem to small and no small problem to large for Aunt Flappi, following are some of the examples of her expert advice, be first in your area to have those big problems or small inconveniences solved.

Disclaimer: All names have been changed to protect the truly "innocent" any similarity to any one living or sleeping is clearly in the mind of the writer, any program has been eliminated only on paper, the actual program still exists in other designated forums of his/her own choosing. Any misspelling was placed in the following communication purposely for you or anyone else who may be portrayed by you or totally unbeknownst of yourself, to find and marvel at the stupidity of the said writer. This disclaimer is not to be disclaimed by anyone else unless they are in the manner of dissing another in which case it will be viewed as commendable, but only in a public forum, privately it is still your personal view and good luck to you and yours. Any misuse or use of quotation marks that are correct in an appropriate English language usage are purely incidental and unintentional on the writer's behalf, we ask your forgiveness and oversight, these may or may not be reported to any committee, other than the finance committee, as this has been addressed and covered at the bottom of the page in green type. I appreciate your indulgence, but not your indulgencies, and patience in reading of the below dialogue between two friends, thank you. http://disclaimersrus.com

Hello this is flappi how may I help you?

Aunt flappi, my son's teacher called and stated he was not making good grades, mocking, laughing, interrupting, giving her a tack in the chair, not concentrating...,

I get it dear so what is your question for Aunt Flappi?

Aunt Flappi, I would like to know if it is ok to kill his teacher?

No, dear, that would leave your son teacherless, and no one wants that, but what you can do is use sticky notes and the color does not matter but do not use words of maliciousness but use stuff like, "You don't know me" or "who do you think I am" and stick them on the front of her windshield late at night.

Thanks Aunt Flappi, that's great.

If she doesn't stop then, take some bird seed and table scraps and throw in her yard.

Thanks again Aunt Flappi.

Hello, this is Aunt Flappi, how may I assist you?

Aunt Flappi, we have a lot of stray cats and dogs and other animals and birds and things and I know they need to eat but I don't want them in my yard, you know, the mess and stuff, but I feel compelled to feed them as they look so hungry, O what o what can I do?

Well dear, do you have any neighbors that do not have a fenced in yard?

Why yes I do, Aunt Flappi.

Then throw the food and seed in their yard and when they try to come into your yard for the mess thing shoot them in the rear with a BB gun, but not the birds, you will need to throw a salt shaker at them.

Gee, who woulda thought, thanks Aunt Flappi


Aunt Flappi?

Speaking, How may I help you?

Aunt Flappi, this is Lawrence and I need to know how to get out of the prom dance with my cousin, Jenni.

How old are you, Lawrence?

19 and a half.

What grade are you in Lawrence?

I'm in the 10th, I am a sophomore.

Lawrence pay very close attention to what I am going to tell you, ok?

Yes, Aunt Flappi, I sure will.

Look around the gym or wherever you are and look for a door with a small flame in a sign that has the letters F-I-R-E E-X-I-T and walk up next to it and yell at the top of your lungs, "There could be a Fire" and knock open the door and take off running.

Aunt Flappi is that against the law?

Yes Lawrence, but you are not to say there is a fire, that is illegal, but you are to say there could be a fire, see the difference?

Yeah, thanks a ton Aunt Flappi.

Your welcome, Lawrence.

Dear Aunt Flappi,

I havt a degree frum a junior college which iz local here, but it only has a 2year plan and taech high schol I need at least or an equivlent 4year degrees, my twoyear is in eanglish, what can I do, I can'not drive to a bigger college as my cuar won't make id that fer.
James MD need

Dear James MD.
Since the college that offers 4 years is to far away then go to the junior college and enroll for another two years and this will give you four years plus you will have two degrees and not just one.
Aunt Flappi

Dear aUnt Flappi,
Tnanks for the wunderful advace, I have now enrolled and the atministrater sez I can go for a 6yert degree and have 3 degreez instedt of two, you aret great.
James soon to be 3

Dear Aunt Flappi,
I saw an ad on the Internet that stated, "American Airlines to charge $8 for blanket, pillow" so I mailed them $30 cash but have not heard anything back and that has been a month and a half ago, should I get a lawyer and sue them.
Jane taken or took

Dear Jane taken or took,
I would not sue the airlines unless they send you a letter or the products without a warranty, but you need to sue the post office for delaying your return answer, they have had plenty of time to have gotten your letter there and the blankets back by now. Here is a contact link if you obtain a lawyer: http.suegov.com good luck with that snoring and sweet dreams.
Aunt Flappi

Aunt Flappi,
I am very much involved with "green" planet safety and the environment and recently I have read that no matter how careful you try to be with medications they can end up in our water supply and contaminate the fish, and the birds or other animals that may eat the fish. What is going on?
Mr/Mrs Green Genes

Dear Greenjeans,
It goes something like this, you and the little lady take pills or liquid medications to the which your body will only need 72% the rest is what is called a "filler" which could be food additives, coloring, or wax comprising of 28% remainder, sometimes your body needs the remainder and will empty the actual medication using only a portion, the remainder not used by the body is carried out in waste byproducts. When you flush your toilet, like most good "green" citizens will do, it is carried to the treatment plant and recycled with a portion being "refused" which end up in a landfill process. This "refuse" trickles down through the dirt and merges into underwater streams which eventually make their way to the oceans. But what they are really concerned about is all of these young girls having their photo taken while outdoors showing them in the process, if you understand what I am saying and not only the girls, now the guys are starting to follow suit. However, there is a plus side to this as the HealthCare bill study states that within 2 or 3 years this cycle should make it's way back into the rain pattern (water table) which will eventually make it's way back to our tables and drinks eliminating the need for prescriptions as we will all have these various medications in our bodies daily, which should lead to a much healthier group of people, a real win-win for all.
Aunt Flappi

Dear Aunt Flappi,
I am thirteen years old and my boyfriend is fifteen, and I was talking to my girls and we share a common concern. I am extremely jealous and I do not like to leave my boyfriend alone while I go to the restroom as I am afraid he is putting his eyes where they do not belong. Veronica, a friend said that when she went to the restroom once and left her boyfriend and came back he was gone, and a little time later she saw him with this dumb blonde. What can I and my friends do, we are terrified.
Terrified and sleepless in Seattle

Dear terrified,
There is a simple solution, no, not therapy for your boyfriend, and that is carry one of those big handkerchiefs with you everywhere you go, I think they are called do'rags or bandanas, and before you go into the restroom, tie the rag around his head covering his eyes and then lead him into the bathroom with you, and if you get embarrassed easily have him stand on the outside of the stall. A little history - this practice is where the term, "raghead" comes from.

PS: Take a clothespin in case he smells.

Aunt Flappi,

I get a lot of flak about my name and its depressing. What do you suggest? I thought of a sex change then get married but the guy I thought of getting hitched to his last name is Pig. Please Help me!!
Ralph Leroy Fudrucker

Dear Ralph,
This may sound a bit like "dear John" but bear with me for a moment, if you loved this pig you would not care what the last name of the pig would be, so I would suggest you tell him it is over and let him down hard so he will never try to marry another just because he chose the last name pig. Pigs are filthy animals but they do have character and character goes a long way, so ease your consience and send him on his way and hopefully for a long way, I can't imagine anyone marrying a pig especially since he did not spell it with two "g"s that is very inconsiderate for his future mate.
Have you ever considered someone with the last name Horse?
You will not develop a humpback and will not be mocked by the nickname "curvy".

Aunt Flappi

Dear Aunt Flappi,
I am pregnant with my eighth child, to be born any day now. I read in the Citizen Tribune the other day that every 8th child born in this world is Chinese. How will I ever explain this to my husband?
Eight months gone

Dear eight months gone,

This is very serious as your husband is probably not Chinese (I assume), you will need to get a plastic surgeon who specializes in eyes, let him give you some intense sleeping pills for your husband and while your husband is asleep, have the surgeon come to your house or hire a total stranger to help lift him into your car and take him to the plastic surgeon and let him do surgery on his eyelids to look Chinese. Next, remove all the mirrors from your house and autos, and begin to do what is called "juicing" and use primarily carrots this will take care of his skin color. After all of this is done, hire a lawyer and file for a divorce and ask for child support for all those eight children, tell the lawyer that your husband became convinced he was Chinese and caused your child to be born Chinese, and that you originally, had married an American. Now you can live guilt free of that one extraneous affair you had because everyone knows that the eighth child is always born an Alien, good luck to you and yours, eight months gone, by the way, will you be naming the child "do-do", this is popular in China to teach the children to work?

Aunt Flappi

Dear Aunt Flappi,

I am a blonde, and people say I ain't got the sense God gave a goose. Is this an insult?

A smart blonde

BTW, thanks for the laughs today.

Little me

Dear "little me"
You sound like a Golden Egger to me and there is certainly nothing dumb with leaving the gold everywhere you go, I would think that, a lot wiser, than shimming up that old beanstalk and running with a giant stalker, who just happens to be full of beans. An insult? Not by any means, now if they had stated you were a blonde bomb that would be an insult, as they devastate the entire room and leave flashy, and those clothes are a riot on the streets. A goose never questions how much sense they have and dumplins are hard to find, so dump those who diss you, but deflate their tires before you leave, they hold a lot of hot air.

Aunt Flappi

PS: Get my latest book coming out soon "Blondes Are Not Dumb, Just Misunderstood" it is a 25 page hardback for $350.00 and seems to be quite popular with the blondes, and then you can laugh all the way from the bank and show them just how smart you really are, those stupid people profilers. I wrote this for people just like you in line, uh, I mean, mind.

Aunt Flappi

Dear Aunt Flappi,
My son is 141/2 years old, and I cannot wean him from nursing, and I
Get a lot of stares, gestures, and bad words when I have to nurse him in
Public. Aunt Flappi, I think it is very important to breastfeed your
Children, but my boyfriend and some of my girlfriends state that I am
Entirely wrong. But I think my boyfriend is jealous or has baby-envy,
What can I do?

Nursing in Toledo
Dear Nursing in Toledo,I hate to tell you Sug, but he is no longer your son, he is your lover. But I must agree with you about the boyfriend, a lot of dads, as it is Noted there the most, do have a type of baby envy as they think the baby Gets too much attention in the beginning. I would highly recommend the Boyfriend see a psychologist especially a children's pyschologist as he Sounds like he has some Freudian displacement issues which will require A short term admittance into a children's hospital for observation. Your Girlfriends are obviously jealous of your deep concern and consistency With your child's growth and nourishment. As far as your child is Concerned when you "wean" him, he will probably seek out a substitute "mommy" so I would not be too concerned. Aunt Flappi

Dear Aunt Flappi,

I was at my local gas station and this man was putting gas in his car and accidently spilled the gas on his shirt sleeve, on his right arm, so he went inside the station to obtain water and soap to wash it off. A policeman pulled up to the pumps and got out of his car to wipe off his windshield where some birds had paid a visit. The man with gas spill on his arm was trying to get inside the station door when a woman came out lighting her cigarette, the gas on his shirt caught fire and he started slinging his arm up and down, to which the policeman pulled his revolver and shot the man. Aunt Flappi what is this world coming to when a policeman shoots an innocent man trying to put out the flames on his arm?

Gassy in Akron

Dear Gassy in Akron,

I hate to tell you this, dear, but the policeman was every bit within his right to shoot this man or anyone else that is waving a firearm, he was not innocent but was ignorant of the law.
PS: How much did the birds pay to mess on the officers windshield?

Aunt Flappi

Personal to baggybottoms in DeerLodge, TN,

When you told the clerk at Bubba's that you were Bi-sacktual when she asked you if you wanted paper or plastic, her response should have been that baggers cannot be choosers.

Aunt Flappi
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